She Is Wild

These tears
Are how I breathe
Emotionally

They are how I
See
What matters
To me

Ooh Momma
How can it be
That I am
Simultaneously
Overwhelmed
And grieving
The second son
I wanted to be
With me
I wanted to see
Play with his brother
Fight
And come to his mother
As referee

I would have been a good
Referee
Or maybe terrible
But I won’t ever know
So might as well go
With good

Welcome to
The in-between
The best
And the worst
Hold no sway
Today
We are squarely in
Not great
Not bad
Alive
Not feeling
The thrive
Simply
Merely
Okay

The universe
Is insanely
Infuriatingly
Unruffled
By my moans
And my wails
I can stomp my feet
But the Earth
Remains
Inconceivably
The same

Momma moon
I open
Commune
With you
Let me bask
In your silver ray
Bathe me with
Your steadfast
Peace
Your acceptance
Of the reign of the sun
In the day
How you gracefully
Reflect her
Into the night
Gentle whisper
It is okay
To not be
The best
Or the worst
Or even
Okay

My finger feels
The tug
Of the tendon
Calling it to rise
Calling it
Away from you

The tiny gap
Between us
Arcs with connection
How can I ever leave
You
We are not through
I have not had enough
Of the touch
Of your precious skin
Nerve endings at attention
Drinking you in

My blood drums against
My finger tip
Searching for response
And finding none
Seeking to keep
The heat
Of your skin
Burning on

But you
Are gone

Your heart
Is at rest
And eventually
I know
It would be best
For me to
Release you
Release myself
Into a future
Without you
But for now
My fingers
Will not
Leave you

And even when
They do
My heart
Will never
Leave you
My soul
Will always
Search for you
And my love
Will always
Be
With you

I can hear
Your voice
Calling me home

And I
So
Deeply
Want to go

Not a single
No
In any
Muscle
Or bone

Ohhh speak to me
Words of
Kindness and grace
Speak to me
Let every
Sound
Place
A stone
In my path
To home

Just bask in the
Sound
Of your
Velvet silk
Voice
Just follow
Such a
Merciful
Simple
Choice

Sound
Turns to sight
Bass
Makes
A cozy bed
Comfort in the
Night
Treble
Lets in
The sun’s
Soft
Light
Laughter
In its full
Delight
Sings
All of the walls
Into delicious
Colorful
Life
Full, hearty grin
As your whisper
Brings in
Sweet summer’s
Mischievous wind

Home
Home
Home
So soft
And so warm
Home
Home
Home
Safety
Taken form

Eventually
Your voice
Fades
Away
But I am
Here
To stay
And after this nap
Bountiful rest
I will rise
Tend to my home
My refuge
My nest
Make my very best
Soup
Keep it warm
For you

Though you roam
Through the wilderness
Now
I know
You will return
Somehow
Some day
I know
Our hearts are
Connected
In a way
Beyond space
And time
And I know
This love
Is forever
Mine

When I came
Into this world
And my feet
First touched
The soil
It did not occur to me
To toil
For all the pleasures
Of this world

All I wanted
Was the security
Of connection
Milk
And a nest
In which
To rest

Oh Mother
When I yearn
To return
Home
What sacrifice
Can I make
How can I pave
My way
To You

What a silly
Thing to say
For none of this
Was ever mine
Anyway

But here I am
Human
Holding on tight
To what I claim
As mine

Asking

What

And how

And I find my answer
In the now

My Mother
My God
Oh Source
Of my Nurture
I give to you
My past
I give to you
My future
I give to you
My attachments
The me
I have spent years
Building up to be

God
I give you
My trust
And with
Simple delight
I see
It was this trust
I was searching for
This trust
That was calling
To me

Mother
My sacrifice today
Is the withholding
Of trust
In you
And in me
My sacrifice today
Is the constant
Trying to see
What is
To be

My eyes settle
From the horizon
Onto the seed
Of We
My hands settle
To the cultivation
Of what our Love
Can bring
And my voice settles
Into the celebration
Of the songs our Love
Forever
Sings

My Queen,
I surrender the care
Of This body
Into Your hands.
Have all my plans.

I will meet You at the crossroads.
I will wait for Your wisdom.
I will act IN Time.

Deep in my belly
God lives
Through the yoni gate
She is
Luxurious
In Holy Darkness

Inside of my ribs
A soul is
Being forged
By this Life
Living through me.

Inside of my head
A story plays:
A rough—
But very rough
shark skin,
Steel wool,
Hitting the pavement
From a downhill
Riding bike
Rough—approximation
Of reality.

Inside of my head is
An abrasive narrative

Will you forgive me if
I can’t think of many
Things worth saying
Out loud
To You
About me
Or anyone
Or anything else

When God lives
In my unspoken depths
And a soul is taking
Shape inside my chest
And the story playing
Inside my head
Is shit?

Will you forgive me if
I’ve yet to decipher
How other people
Walk around like this
Looking for someone
To talk to
About the weather?
The government?
Or even about the highest
and most holy bliss.

I don’t know what to say
Except that
God dwells in my inner silence
And my heart is broken
Open from the pressure
In the forge
And I’m tired of the story
I’ve been telling
And of my own voice
And of yours.

I’m tired of our stories.

Did you hear the last thing I will say?
God dwells in my pelvis, silent
And my soul is being forged.

I see
How much bravery
It takes
For you
To love
When you know
So intimately
How demolished
Your heart
Will be
At the very hint
Of loss

I know
You believe
Down to your toes
That your home
Is to be
Alone

And you are
Just waiting
For the dinner bell
To ring
To break this illusion
Of life with love
And bring
You back
To your
Cold
Old
Home

I can try
To tell you different
But my words
Feel hollow
For you
Are my core
And I see
You
Do not
Believe

So little one
We must
Trust
Our source
Our creator
Our momma
Our mommas momma
Our mommas mommas momma
And let go
Let go
Of the walls
Of this tiny home
We know
In our toes
And let
Her arms
Be our new home
Never alone
Never alone

Yes humans
And love
And loss
Beautiful mess
Porcupine
Quills
Still
Pierce our heart

But now
We know
When we cry out
When the black hole
Of our past
Sings siren songs
To our soul
We know
She is here
In the pain
And overwhelm
And now
We never
Have to be
Alone
Again

Amen

I tighten when you place
Your hand
On the back of my heart
While my tears pour over your feet
As if from a jar
And my hair drapes my
Weeping love for you, but
I choose to soften
I choose to open
Even if I am unworthy of your touch
You are so worthy of the response
Of my heart
To your nearness

If the hand of god
Touches me
With your hand
I am willing to be worthy
I am willing to be emptied
Of who I think I am
So I can simply be
An offering

i spread myself out
on the earth
under the sun
the whole blue sky
touches my long supine
body

i sink in
and the sky heeds
my invitation
and reaches down
deeper

i will die
i will ascend

thank the gods
i will return
my share of this earth
to Her sacred breast

no one expects me
to carry this body
into the celestine

grace meets me
in this body
on this earth

grace will bear me on
when this body
descends

I set the table
for a trillion
hungry mouths
and invite the
soil angels
to feed
While i weep
divinely proud
of the gift
my body makes
to the ground.