My body goes through
An entire civil war
Every damn time
I see you
It is as if
The planet has two suns
And you
With those kind eyes
Warm smile
You are one
And damn the guidelines
I would bask in your sun shine
As my skin turned red and peeled
Throat parched
Screaming for water
And I wouldn’t lift
A single
Blissful
Finger
Ahh and then
Other part
What is this anger
Pain mixed with need
Seeping through the
Floorboards
I don’t want to deal
With this shit
I don’t even want
To start
What is appropriate
Fuck if I know
I take up your time
Every week
Far be it from me
To seek
Any
More
Slight wince
As I see your son
Simple hi
No connection
Certainly not love
No, that leads to pain
For he
Can and would
Be taken away
Again
All of this
I can hold
I’ve done this dance
Since I was 3 years old
But this
Was supposed to be different
You aren’t my mother
With an abusive father
Passive, enabling mother
Husband always gone
Her own wounds
She is working on
And for all that
She did her best
Gave her love freely
Whenever the cage
Wrapped around
Her chest
Allowed
But you
I am paying you
Which
What does that even mean
It’s confusing at best
But at least
The idea is
You don’t hurt me
Fuck with my heart
Inflict petty punishments
When I
Drunk with love
Stumble into a minefield
And blow
My own leg off
What
The fuck
Did I do wrong?
I loved wrong
Somehow
Either becoming attached to you
So I don’t want to leave
Or loving you so strongly
That you can’t breathe
And resort to an explosion
To get some air
To be fair
I did open myself
To a million wounds
And you found
A good, solid few
Well played
Wait
I never received the rules
To this fucking game
Same spot
Me
Here
Blindly receiving
The rules
For love
From the very one
Who inflicts the pain
When I
Screw up
So if I don’t say hi
In the coffee shop
Next time
Or even if I do
You now know
Why
I am awkward
And cold
And also
So incredibly
Fucking happy
To see you
