Author: Jennifer

It is
The desperate cry
Of a heart
Ripping apart
In the midst
Of goodbye

I want to
Show you
The enormity
Of my pain

I want to
Sharpen it
Hone it
Pierce Time itself
So it’s incessant
March
Falters
And Now
Together
Is Forever
Tomorrow
Separate
Is Never

Never

I never
Want to be
Apart from you
Even when I do
Just a little bit
It is with
The knowledge
That you are here
To come back to

Don’t go
Don’t make me
Go

No

Sheer force of
Will
Makes
Shards
Of this reality
Rearranges them
Until
Time loops
On itself
Beginning and end
Join
Hands
And this moment
Stands
Immutable
Immovable
And we
Slip out the back door
Into the
Wide
Open
Forever
World
Of
Now

Flow through me
Like honey
I am porous
In the presence
Of your
Glorious
Being

In the
Tsunami
Of sensation
Every
Other
Thing
Just
Slides away
Yesterday
Tomorrow
The rest of
Today
Give way
To the
Pure pleasure
Of Now

Core
Lights up
Warmth
Wells up
Honey
Warmer
Seeps
Deeper
Into every pore

Drip
Drip
Drip
Of sunlight
That has
Magically
Passed
Through

My shadow
Once
So defined
In hard
Lines
Now
Softly
Sweetly
Gently
Diffused

And I know
Now
What I am called
To do
Not
Guard against you
Or hold onto you
But soften
Into the
Temporary
Ecstasy
Of letting
Your Light
Shine
On
In
And through

Please
Hear me

Each
Of the three times
We have had
Interaction
While you were on
Vacation
Was preceded
By you
Micro
Abandoning me

Let’s see
The summer of 2020
You got triggered
Inadvertently
Tried to convert me
To Christianity
And when we came back
Together
Your response
Was to put up
Boundaries
Triggering me
Thoroughly
Then sending me on my way
See you in a month
No
Follow up

Next time
Spring Break 2021
You went
To Mexico
Totally
Forgot
To tell me
You were going
To another country
Why was it
Important to me?
Because it meant
If I followed the CDC
Then
It would be two more weeks
Before I could see you
Face to face
Your response?
“Oops
Forgot to tell you
But told everyone else
And they didn’t care
So I figured
You wouldn’t
Either”

After that
Minimization
It took me a while
To trust you
Cared
Enough about COVID
To be safe

What happened
With the other
Breaks?
Summer of 2021
Or the Christmas
Holidays?
Nothing
Because you
Communicated to me
All the information
I would need

And now
Summer of 2022
You tell me
At the end of our last session
The. Very. End.
That you
Would indeed
Be taking that
Vacation
You
Were considering
A month ago
But promised you
Would follow up
Oops
You forgot

And when I brought up
My disappointment
In the one minute
Of remaining session
After the
Revelation?
Nothing
No
Understanding
Of how hard that was
Just
Goodbye!
Good luck!

Tell me
Tell me
Tell me
How
This should be fine
How
The onus
Of holding my feelings
Or following up
Chasing the tail of a goose
Taking flight
Should be
All mine

Please
Hear me

You can’t say
“I’ve got you
Except when I don’t
Which happens to always be
Right before
I leave”

Don’t turn around and tell me
This cycle is
All on me
And what I need
Is to develop more
Trust
In you

Well
Yeah
I agree
I would love
To trust you more
But first
You need to be
More
Trustworthy

All my guardian can see
Is two options:
Either you
Don’t see
How your behavior
Hurts me
Or
You are
Completely powerless
To stop it

Is there a third option?
Something that would
Help me
Trust
Again?

Do you see?
Do you see?
How this behavior
On your part
Evokes
A strong reaction
From me?
I just cannot believe
You would expect
Any
Less

It certainly
Helps me reconnect
With a small version of me
Seething
With hate
For my mother
Who would not recognize
How she hurt me
Made crazy
In her anger
Logic
Just
Did not apply

This is probably why
Even when I get pissed
And probably should reconsider
I follow through
With what I had previously
Agreed to

I want to do
Something different
Not just
Reenact
A painful play
From my childhood

I have tried holding my anger in
Talking to you in my head
But that just hurt

So instead
I tried protest
Exploding up front
Usually
I got the response from you
That I want
But it really isn’t
The way of interacting
I want to learn

I tried saying something
In session
But it didn’t get heard

I tried asking how to reach out
And doing so
But being stuck
In purgatory
Until
I escalated
It enough
Got mad enough
For you to
Finally
Take it seriously

Is there
Another way?
Are we really
Going to find a way
For me to be okay
All on my own
With you
Forgetting to communicate
Something that is important
Right before
You leave?

I mean
I see
The benefit
Of this pattern
Each time you do this
When you leave
We get another
Chance
To play this
Reenactment game

Although I must say
My favorite time to play
Is not
When you and I
Are both trying
To be
On
Vacation

It is
Quite possible
That it is
My complex
That compels
You to act
This way
But if you do not
Become aware
Of it
Fight it
We will
Simply
Play
The game
The same old
Way

Please
Hear me

It is the
Unconscious Forget
Which introduces the uncertainty
That feeds the voice
That says
That I don’t matter
Or that you cannot be trusted
Then it is the
Not Being Heard
That signals
To guardian
This relationship is not safe
Time to pack up all relics
Of this
Me and You
(Which includes coping skills
You have helped
Infuse)
Clean slate
Poison free
Now heart, you can be free
To find the next
(Hopefully healthy this time)
Relationship that you choose

But heart
Wants
You

Just
Sits
On a boulder
And
Wails

Tries
To flee
The growing nothingness
As Guardian cleans

Reaches out to you
In hopes
Of evening the playing field
Finding evidence
That you do care
That this relationship
Is
The healthy one
But when she is met
With your guardian
What she gets
Is more fuel
For the cleansing fire
Not relief

Do you hear
Now
Why
Connecting
First
Is so important to me?

Do you understand
Why
I react so strongly
When you don’t
Communicate
Clearly
Before
You leave?

Do you see
How your
Words
And actions
Are contradictory?

Please
Hear me

Please
Don’t make me
Have to be
The one to point out
How you participate
Please
Don’t make me
Lead
Please
Be stronger
Than the complex
(Yours or mine)
And model
The stability
You tell me
You want me
To find

I cannot believe
We spent my time in session
With you explaining to me
That you have
Twenty eight
Other clients

That is your decision
Not mine
It is your job
To ensure you don’t get
Overwhelmed 
Not mine

I spend my life
Worrying that my needs
Are too much 
What are you trying to do
When you tell me
How overwhelmed you are
When I come to you

How does it help me
Experience
A secure relationship
When you say
“Reach out this way”
And I do
Then
When I come back
You armor up
In explanation
And solution
Completely missing
My need
For connection 

I cannot be
Your source 
Of enough
Your
Perfect
Project
I need to be able
To fall apart
Get mad at you
Need more from you
Experience hurt
From you
And have you
Still stay
Still
Be attuned

I need you to lead
In the connection
Process
I need you
To model
How to repair
I need you to stand
Firm
Say
I am here
And I care

I am here
And I care
And we will make it
Through

These are the only
Words
I need from you

In this place
I experience you
As distracted
Confused
Uncertain
And inadequate

What I need
Is the model
Of the
Good enough
Parent

Signal
That connection
Is important to you too
Sit with me
In my big emotions
And resist the urge
To fix, to do
Root solid
In our ability 
To weather this
Tell me
I can trust you

Of all of these
The single
Most important
Thing that I need
Is your
Stability  

Find God
Yes God
But do not
Put Him
Between
You and me
Do not use Him
As a shield
While you
Flee

It is your choice
To be here
You can always quit
But it isn’t going to be
Easy
And running away
When it gets hard
Is only going
To hurt me
So please
Figure out
What you want
Need
And then
Own it
And just
Tell me

My closed eyes see
The brain mapping
Memories
Not
As I thought
Each in its place
But instead
Encoded
In the journey
The connections
The way

Oh Momma
Sometimes
I feel the earth quake
Cortisol flood
Hear beat fierce
Breath sharp
Readied for the task
Of forming words
That poison
And pierce

Fight
Flight
Fear
Small
Trapped
In here

Hand
Hold
Love
Smooth
Liquid
Gold

Momma
Mirror is
What I do
What I want
Is to mirror
You

When I make a bid
For connection
Please don’t say
Yes of course
I’ll do my best
And then
Not
Follow up

A simple no
Would be
A million times
Kinder
Than this
Heart in the wind
I feel
Waiting
And hoping
Until the hope fades
Steady
Slow
Hoe gauging
A messy path
As it goes

I’m more
Of a knife to the neck
Kind of gal
Not so much
Into
A spoon
Scooping
Out
My heart

It isn’t
Anyones fault
It’s two
Different needs
And my choice
Is to stay in this
Painful place
Or be the one to say
No thanks
I made
A mistake
Wanting of you
Something
You couldn’t give

So
I’ll give
Way
And simply say

I’ll see you in session
On Tuesday

You
Precious momma
Were the
Mightiest being
I knew
And yet
Even you
Could not protect me
From this beast
Who
Told me
I was alone
Of course
You could not
You had no one
To show you
How

So, what now

I am sick
Of holding you
Responsible
For what life
Is want to do

My heart aches
From holding you
At arms length
As her guardian
Tells her
This is what it takes
To keep her safe

What
Do I want
From you
What
Can two humans
Really
Do

Black shadow wolf
Stalks me
And
Stalks you
Too

I love you momma
That’s all I can say
I am here momma
Afraid you won’t
Stay
I need you momma
And I know
Our time is short
I want to get down
To the juicy place
Spend our energy
On the things
Of import
I want to see you
Accept you
Love you
Human, as I am
I want to face the wolf
Together
God by our side
Above
And below
You and I left
To connect
Cuddle
Snuggle
Re-acquaint
And re-know

My fingers play
With the sand
Heavy
With the wash
Of the receding
Waves

Heart bleed
As it sees
How I
Cannot hold
This sand
Or, really,
Anything

I am human
This
World
Is bigger
And can take from me
All of it
Any time
It deems
Fit

Yet
Let us not forget
My Momma
My God
She?
She is bigger
The creator
Of this world
That holds me

So
One hand
Still in the sand
But the other?
Buried deep
In the warm clasp
Of my
Infinite Mother’s
Hand

These little chicks
Keep wandering
Away from me
One gone
Into the story of a
Grieving mother
Who’s only son
Died
Too early
The next
Into the world
Of another
Mother
Who’s daughter
Was
Almost was
Could have been
Taken away
Forever
Into the underworld
That exists
Above ground
But hidden
From view
Cruel
Castle
Of slavery
And misery

A third chick
Waddles back
Into an old story
My deepest fear
Found
Alive
In another’s
Hide

So every day I
And every week we
Go in
To all of these dark places
Hidden spaces
To find and love
The little chick
Stuck
And Distressed
Inside

It isn’t a glorious journey
We don’t really travel far
But we are friends
With all the fauna
And flora
In this little
Space
Inside my psyche
Our world
My heart
And my mind

My ego is overwhelmed
My heart is too
I feel awful
I simply do not know
What to do

Life guarantees
To do this to you
It’s the murder of minorities
And children
The loss of Roe v Wade
The Taliban has taken over
Russia decided to invade

Sit with it
Feel deep into the pain
Sit in dis-ease
With God
Also Mother
To the hated other
The target
Of our blame

Claws out
Desperate to shred
Pen out
Desperate to get these
Swirling
Stories
Out of my head
Heart out
Desperate to gather
With others
The strength of numbers
Pushing back
This poison
Dread

And you
Human who
Is here with me
Witnessing
Moving
With me
Sharing in this
Human misery

I…
I don’t know what to say
It is hard
So hard
Life is never
Ever
Yet always
-Forever paradox-
Somehow
Okay

Our pain prickles
Our heart
Letting it breathe
Our tears wash our eyes
Letting them see
Our prayers center us
In what is
And what could be
Our rest nourishes us
Readies us
To sacrifice
Serve
Fight
For what we believe