Month: October 2020

You are not my mother
No matter how badly
I want you to be
You are not my lover
Together seeking unity
You are the other
Holding projections of me
With just enough of you
Mixed in
To make me
Fucking crazy

You are not my redeemer
Willing and ready to absorb me
You are not my abuser
Although you do make me angry

We have made an agreement
Where I let you in
And you sit at the edge of the well
Keep me company
While I writhe and scream
Collapse
Dream
Within

No matter how hard
I try
To find a way
To use you
To help me escape
It is the same you
The same me
The same pain
I have to face
Eventually

I can’t erase
The past
Heal it
Conceal it
Away
It is here to stay
And it is up to me
To find a way
Through
A way
To move
These emotions
Holding me here
Find space
Find a tiny little grove
Where I can anchor a
Finger
A tiny toe
Begin to stretch
Strengthen
Grow

I don’t know when
I don’t know how
But I do
Have a little better
Understanding
Now

My body goes through
An entire civil war
Every damn time
I see you

It is as if
The planet has two suns
And you
With those kind eyes
Warm smile
You are one
And damn the guidelines
I would bask in your sun shine
As my skin turned red and peeled
Throat parched
Screaming for water
And I wouldn’t lift
A single
Blissful
Finger

Ahh and then
Other part
What is this anger
Pain mixed with need
Seeping through the
Floorboards
I don’t want to deal
With this shit
I don’t even want
To start

What is appropriate
Fuck if I know
I take up your time
Every week
Far be it from me
To seek
Any
More

Slight wince
As I see your son
Simple hi
No connection
Certainly not love
No, that leads to pain
For he
Can and would
Be taken away
Again

All of this
I can hold
I’ve done this dance
Since I was 3 years old
But this
Was supposed to be different
You aren’t my mother
With an abusive father
Passive, enabling mother
Husband always gone
Her own wounds
She is working on
And for all that
She did her best
Gave her love freely
Whenever the cage
Wrapped around
Her chest
Allowed

But you
I am paying you
Which
What does that even mean
It’s confusing at best
But at least
The idea is
You don’t hurt me
Fuck with my heart
Inflict petty punishments
When I
Drunk with love
Stumble into a minefield
And blow
My own leg off

What
The fuck
Did I do wrong?
I loved wrong
Somehow
Either becoming attached to you
So I don’t want to leave
Or loving you so strongly
That you can’t breathe
And resort to an explosion
To get some air
To be fair
I did open myself
To a million wounds
And you found
A good, solid few

Well played
Wait
I never received the rules
To this fucking game
Same spot
Me
Here
Blindly receiving
The rules
For love
From the very one
Who inflicts the pain
When I
Screw up

So if I don’t say hi
In the coffee shop
Next time
Or even if I do
You now know
Why
I am awkward
And cold
And also
So incredibly
Fucking happy
To see you

I could stare
At the palm of your hand
For days

Slowly trace
The fine
Lines
Marvel
As those
Exquisite
Fingers
Spread
Contract
Find
Intertwine
With mine

This crackling ocean
That is you
And me
Holds the most exquisite
Life
Neon
Stripes
Of color
Call to me
Beg for me
To explore
A new facet
Of this sweet
Reality

I am trying to be good
Visit when
Explore where
Only I should

But I don’t understand the rules
I just know
I am exposed
And the sharks could come
Any time
To rip me to pieces
Throw me out
Demand
I change form
Find a way to appease them
Please them
So they will once again go
And I can once again
bask in the sweet glow

But my love
My heart is flesh
Not diamond
And every rejection
Is some form of
Fresh
Death

And a part of me knows
This is the way it goes
Love
Even to give
Especially to receive
Comes with conditions
Certain
Set
Ways to be

I am caught in this net
Knowing
It is killing me
For to live without this love
Is to live without the very
Air
That I breath
That I need
To survive
But to live with this love
Means
I must attack
Fight
Hate
Change
Reject
Cut off
Little
Precious
Parts of me

It is a torture
And makes me hate you
Hate myself
For the ways I let your poison
Through

Retreat into my shell
Mind in control
Draw
Old
Equations on the wall
Calculations
Come with calm
Paradigm shift
Dimension drop
All is clear now
I understand
This ocean is not
chaos
It is a space
I can navigate
I can stay safe
If I just
Keep this damned
Wild
Heart
Small
Contained
Held
In its place

Bullshit

Fucking bullshit

That I should sit here
Head a-spin
Heart pinned
To your wall

Dot my i’s
Cross my t’s
Make sure none
Of my moves
Displease

Watch
Listen
Learn
From mistakes
Mind
Saves
Me from the pain
I feel
Over and over again

Fuck
This
Shit

Fuck
My needing you

What tiny
Grimy
Weak
Part of me
Constantly refuses to see
That I don’t need this
It just hurts
Stupid
Meek
Sheep
Eagerly
Taking cues
Dancing
To keep up
To keep close
To you

When will I listen
To myself?
All I can hear is
If you don’t listen
If you don’t stay
No one will love you
You will be alone
Some
Day

Let that day be now
Fuck it
No longer victim
Chuck it
Out the door
Back turn
Grimace
Tear
Heart cry
Weak little thing
Inviting this sting
Over
And fucking
Over
Again

Ears betray
Senses weave through the cracks
To find you
To ask you to stay
To say
I will do anything
Don’t go
I will be anything
Don’t you know?
I don’t want to be alone
Cut off
But I don’t know how
Now
To make it better

I guess I had better
Let you back in
After a long sulk
Anger brimming
Causing me to choke
On the sorries
And I was wrongs
How can I make it better
Do you want a fucking song?!

Forget it
Just
Same
Barren ground
Same
Standoff
Between the wild
Dance
Of dust
And heavy footprints
Long forgotten

Just tread
Dead
Lines of thought

Feel
Mango squeeze
Of the heart
I don’t know
How this came to start
But I know
It ends
When I can get off this fucking
Crazy train
Endure the loneliness
And see
That I can
Somehow
Be free