Month: July 2020

Calm river
Cool rain
Welcome respite
As the wind refrains
From its slash and tear
Storm
Clouds of anger
Relax
The blinding wall
They have formed

Deep blue wounds
Inflammation and bruise
Fire to the fingers
No longer refuse
To be soothed

Birds sing in the distance
Reminding me of the dawn
Promised
And consistent
After the darkness
That enfolds us
When the sun is gone

Hand
Hand
Fingers
Tongue
Movement
Now
Has begun

Ache in these knees
Knocked to the deck
Seeking refuge
As it all threatened to wreck
Me
Eat
Me
Crush me to dust

But I am still standing
Facing
Flinching
And welcoming
The remaining gusts

God
Holding my hand
My heart
This kingdom
Inside of me
God
Never
Ever
Leaving me
God
Feeding me
Love
Nourishment
When the wind takes my breath
Freezes me
And I cannot break through
To pick up and eat
The sustenance
That I need

God
And friends
And a family
Constantly loving me
And me
Soaked
Humbled
And tired
Returning home
For some much needed
Sleep

Cold
Rage
Seethe

Watch me pull
This precious sword
From its sheath

Pirouette
Slash
The silhouette
Of what we once were

No more
No more
No more

Eyes sore
From grieving
Tired
From seeing
The truth
The inevitable
What I want to name evil
But know
Is only
Life
Roughly coaxing me
From my hole
Sweet tender home
No longer mine
No longer friendly
No longer kind

Bed of needles
Once nestled
Down
Soft
Now the raised
Poison
Hackles
Of a beast
I’d long forgot

My shit
Is scattered across the floor
Do I make a run for it
Split
Or hold trust
Long enough
To gather it once more?

God
In the center
In the corner
At the door

Let me out!
Let me out!
This beast will devour me!
Oh heavens
Do you not hear me shout?

This
Here
Nidus
Of trust
Or doubt

Water swelling
Do I flail about
Give one last desperate
Shout
Or train my eyes
On God
Come what may
I have been here before
Lived
To love
Another day

Beast
I name you
Abandonment
Anxiety
Fear

Beast
I call you
To see me
Meet me
Here

Golden cloak on my shoulders
Sword of trust in my hand
By my side
My guardians
Stand

You can join us too
All you have to do
Is sit with me
Share my tea
Tell me what is hurting you
And propelling
You at me

Yes
This hole
We have found ourselves in
Is dark
Echoes deep wails
Of love awoken
Captured
And painfully
Set free

But we have God
We have protection
Even from this place
That we cling to
As the walls close in
And it begins
To suffocate

Time carries us on
There is nothing to do
Just hunker down
In this perfect temple
God has built
For me
And for you

Anger
Hurt
Light the torch
Burn
Out
This rat
That gnaws into my raw
Flesh

Oh you feel better?
That is great
I am glad my
Feelings
Spirituality
Could decorate
Your plate
Satiate you
See you through
Another 10 years

You poison me
With your own
Doubts and fears
When I come to you
Bare
My heart
My soul
Look to you
To console
But you only
Blow holes
In my refuge
And my armor

Take shots at my God
And the way
I commune
Because they don’t
Align
With your religious
Tune

I love you
I always will
And to protect myself
I must
Banish you
From this kingdom
I love
More than life
Itself

May this
Help
Us both look inside
Find
Our strengths
And desperate cries
Wrapped up in
What we see
As weakness

Tears of sapphire
Mix with an emerald pool
Rubies spill from my heart
As I say goodbye to you

I have been captured
By my own beauty

For when I look
Into the
Cool
Blue
Pool
Of your eyes,
The reflection I see
Does
So easily
Hypnotize
Me

Oh Narcissus
What shall we do?
How has it come to be
That our whole world
Has been
Captured
By this pool

Are we destined
To sit here
Starve here
Waste away
Bear a field of flowers
Fed
By the beauty
We never want
To fade
Away?

Or can we break our gaze
Find but a moments pause
To look up
And see
The immense beauty
In the mountains
Lush forests
Lazy flight
Of a million bees

Can we let go of our frenzied greed
Trust
That God
Who gave us this gift
Will keep on giving
That there are other pools
Other loving eyes
And indeed
Find ecstasy
In the giving
In the letting go
In the pain
In the nurturing
In the sweet
Gentle
Saying no
To our heart
Drowning
In its own
Perceived
Need

Death is one
So too is the will
to step up to a higher plane
where ease is the rule
And abundance the substrate.

The Lower and the Upper gate.
Lead both and always
To the self-same place.

Neither is better
So prefer neither
Walk the path as laid
Make the path you’ll make
Find the ordained gate
Step through into grace
Both lead to this place:
The gold-lit Tree of Life
The Lover’s warm embrace

Listen!
All roads lead to Heaven

Death is a gateway
Wealth is a gateway
Ease is on the other side of each
God is the threshold
And She is the breach

Sin is forgetting you are god
Sin is submitting to the wrong
Story about what you are
And what Life is
And what She wants

She is only ever singing you
To freedom
To sweetness and to bliss
She only pushes to deliver you
Through the birth
Of overcoming
Or the birth of undergoing.
Whatever way you go,
Mark this:
Whichever road She
Sings you down,
Call it victory or pain,
She is only always leading you
To paradise again.

<;

A moment of solitude
At the break of the day
Sitting
In the forest
Bathed in a single
Sun
Ray

Birds chirp and call
Greeting the sun
With visions
Of insects on the horizon
The promise
Of flights on the playful breeze

Crackle of water
Heating for tea

Tree
Wearing gnarled bark
Inviting me
To roar
Bare my teeth
Bite it
See
How deep
My teeth
Can sink

Smell of sap and earth
As I draw near
Tough bark
Resisting my bite
Crumbs rumbling
Into my mouth

Spit
Sputter
Laugh

Hug this beautiful tree
In celebration
Of our brief
Insanity

A morning’s
Gray
Haze
Settles over
The cool blue
Pool
In your eyes
Mixing
Tricking
My heart
Into falling in

Leaving the
Pine needle
Nest
Of my eyes
Earth-brown
Crossing
The chasm
Of place
Of time
Of the life that is yours
And the life
That is mine

My own eyes
Drop
To the floor
Tracing
Ant trails
Watching
Them move
An entire home
Babies in tow
To the other side
Of a vast expanse
Of speckled grey
Concrete

Undeterred
By the enormity
Of their task
By the vulnerability
In their journey
Through
Wide open
Space
Tiny egg
Precious egg
Heavy egg
Wrapped in their arms

I am inspired
And exhausted

My heart says yes
And my mind says no

Neither offering
An inch
A hint
For how there can be peace
With less
Than
Complete
Control

West side of the driveway
Or East
There is no soft spot
Tender home
In the concrete
Of the in-between

Except

I am here
Home is here
God is here
Life is here
In the in-between

Sit here
Notice
The ants of energy
Need
Passing
Over
Under
Through
Me

Can I breathe here?
Yes
Can I see here?
Yes
What of my heart,
Is she still beating?
What of my mind,
Is she still
Thinking?

Stand
Still
All is still
And in this stillness
I can hear
The faint
Vast
Thrum
Of my soul

Resonating
Celebrating
Enduring
Existing

Here is born
The magic energy
Of paradox
Blindness and clarity
Here is born
A new universe
In which
We get
To explore

My tummy hurts
A lot
Every day

My tummy hurts
My heart
My tummy hurts
My brain

My womb hurts
My guts hurt
My will hurts

For some hours
Of the day
Every day
For months
And years
And more
Than a decade.

Curled up
On the floor
Hating
My feelings,
Hating
My shame.
Stuck here
Washed ashore
Deserted
And hungry
Weak and
Insane.

Locked down
And sheltered
In place
Afraid to go out
Afraid to engage
Because sooner
Or Later
I’ll be ruled
By this pain

For years now.

My life force
Squandered
On hurting
My life force
Eaten by
Pain.
Impotent in
So many ways:
Retarded,
Teen-aged
Unable to
Transition
To Mother
From Maid

Unable to Create
Unable to Sustain

I am hurt
It defines me
I am hurt and
Hurt binds me
I am jailed
And my Jailor
Is Pain.

I am sick
And infected
With sorrow
From days
Upon days
Upon days.

I don’t want
To be with
This sadness
Gods, hear me
It’s too much
To take.

I don’t want
To be healed
If it means
I must yield
The flood tide
Of grief
Surging
Beneath
The Pain
That I’ve felt
Every day.

Gods please
Save me
Gods please
Grace me
Don’t forsake me,
Gods
Please make me
Gods please
Take these
Memories away.

Seems like
If I have too much
The parasites
Will sniff me out
Harass me
And beat me down
Steal my wealth
Til there is
Nothing left.

Seems like
If I have enough
To feel safe
I won’t be
Safe

Seems like
Those who have
Too little
Will want my
Too much
And will take

Seems like
My head
Will be first
On the block
When those
Who have none
Come
To depose
Those who
Have some

Seems like
If I have money
Those without
Will perceive me
As Evil
As I perceive
Those who
Have money now.

Seems like
I’m afraid
To succeed
So I keep myself
Trapped in
Indigence
And need.