January 4, 2020
:…:
Something
Someone
Is leaching
All of this energy
From me
Calling me
To sleep
To rest
Let go
Of this mission
This vision
Of completing my run
To the top of the mountain
Where I commune with the sun
In the valley
Shadowed by trees
The land of ferns
Mushrooms
Decomposing leaves
This
This is my place
Now
Let go
Fall down
Commune with the ground
Feel how she holds me
Feel how she gracefully
Accepts
My tears
My snot
My screams
Anything
I need to release
Anything
I need to set free
God
How does Your voice sound
Down here?
How does Your touch feel
In this moist, thick air?
How do we see
In this shadowed place?
How do we be
In this hallowed space?
I dig under the rocks
Soil under my nails
Afraid
Resourced
Brave
Look at pictures of Jasper
Alive in my womb
Look at the words I wrote
When that womb became a tomb
Look at clothes for Jasper
Still in their drawers
Look in wonder and adoration
At myself
As I howl, rage, collapse
Weep on the floor
It is a heavy journey
But one I must do
It is not air and light and flowers
But I know I will make it through
And above all I know
God is in me
With me
Holding me
And we face this together
Eyes open
Hearts open
Breaking
Bleeding
Hands open
Body open
Bending
Breathing
I know nothing of my future
I don’t understand my past
But I know now
Down
Is the direction of my path
For I have been sought
I have been resourced
And I have been tasked