Month: January 2020

Do you wonder,
My Love,
About the mystery
Between
Her sun-sugared
Thighs?

Will you bury
Yourself there
Where Life
Pulses
With Life?

Press into
Her holy darkness
Thirsty for
The nectar
Of the One
She serves:
Great Lady
Of the deep places
Of the moist and
Sacred Earth.

When you
Emerge
Will you come home
To me
To what was
Once
A Mystery?

Will you love
Me
More
For tasting
Her?
Keep
Secrets
Behind eyes
That still
Adore.
Wash my body
With hands
still ripe
And warm
From soft
and languidly
touching
Hers.

Will you come
Find me
Again
Wrapped in sleep
In our bed?
Will you gather
Me in
Kiss my neck
Touch my hair?
Will you come
Home
And love me
After wandering there?

()()
Let it roll
Let it roam
Let it waste
Takes
As I stare at the sky
Feel it eat up space
As I close my eyes
Go inside
Find
A riot in there
Parts vying for
A hair
Of time in the spot
Light
Lime
Light
Watch them fight
Over the stage
The one on the top
Doesn’t even want to play
Along with this film
Wants to curl up
Throw away all that was prepared
Lay
Still
Breath in the crisp air

Soak up this
Moment
Place
Forget the camera
In front of my face
Forget
The weight
Of what has brought us here
Smile
Joke
Laugh
Delight in the wind in my hair

So let’s roll my sister
Roll with laughter
And delight
Roll with the lows
And the highs
Roll toddler tantrums
Off our backs
Feet steady
Still on track
Roll onto center stage
Of our dreams
Of our needs
To be validated
To be seen

Roll, camera, roll
Find the moments
You want
To highlight
Find the movements
That sync
Just
Right
Let your story
Unfold
Capture
Release
What was once
Untold
Let your story
Roam
Far from its home
Find
Those who need to know
That they
Are not
Alone

-(())-
Where did this need
Come from in me
This desire
To nuzzle
Snuggle
Feel you close
Feel you breathe

This prickle on my neck
Seeking
Ease
As you fingers
Tickle
And scratch
Playfully

Each hair on my head
Crying out to feel
Delight
In the kiss
Of your fingertips
As they brush by

This side
Exposed
Cold
Seeking
The fold
Of your body
Warm
Breathing
Alive

What is this new
Young
Voice
Rising up
Sick of being stuffed
And told she is wrong
Sick of being muted
Told to go along
With the independent me
Wanting to be
Seen
As strong
Never weak
Or in need
Wholly
Held
Contained
Satisfied
With just me

Well
She is here
Now what do I do?
Do I venture out
Vulnerable
Test the waters
See
If I can snuggle up to you?
Shut her down
Again?
Give her to God?
Let her stew?

No answers
Only questions
Come to me
Cold fingers
Type
Words
In solitude
When all I want
Is to cuddle you

What will I be
How much will I weigh
When the fire of time
Burns away
All of the parts of me
That can be burned

My son
The beautiful boy
We made
I formed
held
For 7 months in this world
He weighted 5 pounds and two ounces
Before
Going through
The fire
And now
Only
An ounce or two of ash
Remains

Remains
His remains
What remains of his body
What couldn’t be burned
Now held
Solemnly
In this beautiful urn

The sadness rises
Thoughts of what will never be
But isn’t this
Each of our destinies?
For all our striving
Needing
Connecting
Feeding
We all end up here
Maybe our stash
Of ash
A bit heavier
But we all fit into this urn
After we burn

We care so much for life
But what does she
Care
For you and me?

|/__\|

How can it be
That when I look down
At this dark pool
I see
Paradise
Reflected back to me

The magic of my son
Playing, laughing,
Splashing
Under the midday sun

The home that I find
In my lover’s embrace
Snuggle
Cuddle
Kiss his handsome face

The nest
Of my family
I rest
Into every day
Parents who see me
Who love me
Who support me
Who come to me
When I say
“Help”
A sister who fights for me
When I crumble
Into my
Self

Paradise
God
Inside of me
A queen
Divine
Holding my throne
Steady
Hearing, loving
My inner world
When it feels petty
My shame
My control
My fear
My blame
My joy
My peace
My love
All given
The same
Attention
Recognition
Access
To my love
And intuition

It is said that
Grief
And gratitude
Are held
In the same clenched fist
And isn’t this
The truth
Isn’t this
The now
The grace I see and experience
As I turn my face
Down

January 4, 2020

:…:
Something
Someone
Is leaching
All of this energy
From me

Calling me
To sleep
To rest
Let go
Of this mission
This vision
Of completing my run
To the top of the mountain
Where I commune with the sun

In the valley
Shadowed by trees
The land of ferns
Mushrooms
Decomposing leaves

This
This is my place
Now
Let go
Fall down
Commune with the ground

Feel how she holds me
Feel how she gracefully
Accepts
My tears
My snot
My screams
Anything
I need to release
Anything
I need to set free

God
How does Your voice sound
Down here?
How does Your touch feel
In this moist, thick air?
How do we see
In this shadowed place?
How do we be
In this hallowed space?

I dig under the rocks
Soil under my nails
Afraid
Resourced
Brave
Look at pictures of Jasper
Alive in my womb
Look at the words I wrote
When that womb became a tomb
Look at clothes for Jasper
Still in their drawers
Look in wonder and adoration
At myself
As I howl, rage, collapse
Weep on the floor

It is a heavy journey
But one I must do
It is not air and light and flowers
But I know I will make it through

And above all I know
God is in me
With me
Holding me
And we face this together
Eyes open
Hearts open
Breaking
Bleeding
Hands open
Body open
Bending
Breathing

I know nothing of my future
I don’t understand my past
But I know now
Down
Is the direction of my path
For I have been sought
I have been resourced
And I have been tasked

…
I feel the Earth
Calling to me
To surrender
Myself
And see
Where these steep steps
Yearn to lead

Fingers trace the walls
Along the dark halls
Nose picks up the scent
Of earth, of decay, of must, of death
Eyes catch the glow
Of the gardens of the Great Below

Journal entries mark my steps
Ink-stained crumbs
Showing the way
To resurface
Again one day

But for now
My path leads down
In reverence
To loss
In surrender
To change
In fealty
In dedication
In devotion
To God