Month: November 2019

-(/\)-

Knees stiff from kneeling
On sticks and rocks and leaves
Eyes dazzled by the sun
Shining bright above the trees
Tears flow
Loosed by this sheer beauty
Loosed by my
Base humanity

Spiderwebs exposed
Dancing on the trees
Dewdrops drying
Dying
Reflecting the sun to me

Moss and dirt support me
Tall trees sway above me
Flies buzz by inquisitively
Snot and spit surround me

God
What does this attachment say about me
Nourishment and love
Drugging me
Anger coursing
Demanding that I be free

What can I find
In the in-between
After the attachment
Before I can stand free

You
Anchor
How can I internalize you
So you are always with me
So we can dis-attach
So you can be you
And I can be me

How can I love you
When I see what it is doing to me
Making me bigger
Open
Loving
While capturing me
Averting my eyes
From the beauty that is here, now
Longing to be seen

Must I grieve you
To let you go?
Or tolerate you
Even though
I want to snuggle up to you
Scream at you
Delight in you
Fight you

I do not know
Fuck
I do not know
God, guide me here
God, hold me here
God, let me give this to You
God, I do not know what to do

//•
Mine is a story
Of love and lightning
Meeting
Competing
Aligning
Intertwining

Mine is a story
Of humanity
In relationship
With divinity

Mine is a story
Of separation and connection
Of intimacy
Vulnerability
Open heart
With God as my protection

Mine is a story
Of motherhood
Of family
Of losing
My precious baby

Mine is a story
Of drinking fully of life
Slipping my head
Under the water
Body following
Fish swimming
In this sea
Subject to the tides
And so fucking alive

Mine is a story
Of a soul set in fire
Gifted a beautiful body
Sensations
Soaking in the ecstasy
Devastation
And uncertainty
Of this reality

Mine is a story
Of growth
Of accepting it all
Of a channel
For love
When called
Of a channel
For lightning
When called

Mine is a story
Of blind fumbling in the dark
Of trust
Ignited
By fear

Mine is a story
Of gratitude
For my journey
Here

I want to
Give my
Succulence
In exchange
For sustenance…
No. For wealth.

If a man makes me
Flower open
And sing
If he makes me
Praise the gods
For the sake of Man
I will then stand
Before him
Free
And open
In the way
I only open
When I’m free

I want to take
His money
And give him
Exactly
The Power
For which he
Strove
When he drew
That money close.

I want to open the
Gate
Step aside
And wait
While he passes
Through
Welcome
The god in him
To meet my god
Through me…

No. I want to BE the gate
Not the destinate
Not the resting place
Not the sacred vase
But the lip on the vessel
And the sign pointing way.

The sign saying
Hey
Pass through here
Pilgrim
Lay
Your gift here
Pilgrim
And go farther
On the way.

I am not your wife
I am not your lover
Neither am I
Your friend
Nor your mother.

I am the body
That fills the costume
The mask that
Opens the latch
I am a marker
On the path
Not a martyr
Or a winning
To be had

But a woman
With no past
A woman
With a name
That I have chosen
A woman
With the body
Of a woman
And a heart
Ensouled,
Unopened
A present
Wrapped and bowed
A secret
Still untold.

Cover me with worship
Look on me with hope

Empty here your hands
Sweet Pilgrim
Leave with me your lands
Sweet Pilgrim
Carry on as planned
Sweet Pilgrim
I will see you go.

My anxiety came to me
And said
You are going to die
We are going to die
You are going to fail
And your family will suffer
Your family will flail

And even though she was
Just in my head
My body succumbed to
The electric dread
Froze
No more food
No more sleep
There must be something to do
Some way to keep
Those I hold the most dear
Safe and sound
Here

If I can only find the way
Solve the equation
Of how to stay
Strong, independent
Solid, and intimate
But the solution
Always evades me
And leaves me
In this sea
Of electricity

Oh anxiety
What shall we do?
What can I do
To help you?
Caged
Abandoned
Screaming the truth
Separated from me
By this sea
Of electric blue
Do
Do
Do something
It calls to me
Do something
So you can be set free
I lean into the blue sea
Feel it wash into
And over me
Feel that beautiful tension
Of calling to move
Yet sitting still
Feeling each wave
Crash into me
Steal my breath for a moment
And continue on
Allowing me to once again breathe

On a whim
On intuition
I take this dagger in my right hand
This dagger given to me
When I asked God to protect me
And I plunge it deep
Into my heart
Drop to the ground
Lungs empty
Heart stops

Deep
Dark
Heavy
Fallen below
The blue sea
The world turns black
As it fades from me

Black turns to gold
A beautiful being
Gold, with blinding white wings
Kneels over me
Peers love into me
Love all around
Gold
Holding me
Pure
Ecstasy
The veins in my neck
Fire like pistons
Blood pumping
Gold flowing
Through my body

When I can form thoughts
When I can once again speak
I ask God
What of this story?
What of anxiety, what of the blue,
What of the urge to do, do, do?
She replies
That is no longer mine
Release
Effort
Give it to Her
Release
The story
And sink
Deep into Her

Deep into here
Deep into now
Deep into love
Deep into acceptance
Of death
Of life
Of grace
Of strife
Of struggle
Of anxiety
Even as it offers
To suffocate me

As I head down the path
Blindly
Mind impatiently
Moving onto the next part
Of my day
A crow calls
Flies
Overhead
Beckons me
To stop
To get out of my head
And I do
I stop
And turn
Watch the crow
Fly
Until it disappears
Into the sky
My eyes fall
Onto the path
Onto this path
That is my past
The sweet moments
The struggles
I have been through
The grief
The gratitude
The growing
My heart has had to do
Soft pine needles
Mixed with dirt
Each telling a story
Of grace
And of hurt

Here I am
In this point in time
In this point on the line
That is my life
That marks my strife
The incredible luxury
The beauty
Imperfection
All of the stories
That have come to be
Me

Quiet now
The crow is gone
Quiet now
A far off bird
Sings her song

This is the now
This is the here
Feel how God
Holds me dear

A sigh
A release
A turn
Of my feet
And back down the path I go
To face the future
To live the now
To rest into God
Every way that I know
How