Month: September 2019

Come then
Take it all.

Come demons,
Feast.

Mar my
Sweet pink
Vulva

Make my lover
Spit disgust
Like venom
In my face

Make him
Call me
Dirty
And throw me
Out like waste.

Take away my
Money
Take away
My work

Remind me
Of each
Failure
Bind me
To each hurt

Sink your fangs
Into my heart meat
Hissing “shoulds”
Into my skin

Tell me
I am undeserving
I shall not be loved
Again.

Leave me
Forlorn
In the desert
Like a leper
Like a sin.

Come then demons
Come and eat me
Come and tear me
Limb from limb.

I surrender
I relinquish
Take my life force
You may win.

-:;&@;:-

Come here
My dear
Tell me what you most fear

Did the hot breath of death
Singe your skin
The blade of loss
Slash your heart
And leave you
With only blood and ash?

Did you barely survive
Weakness and exhaustion
Tugging at your limbs
Calling you to the earth?

What suffering did you endure
And what would you give
To ensure
You will never feel that again?

Rest easy
My love
Rest
And feel the safety
Of my guarantee
That you will never
Never
Have to face this again

And in return
All I ask
Is a trickle of blood
A small leech on your chest
Feeding on your fear
The closing of this one door
In your life
In your psyche
Just a tiny bit smaller
A bit more confined

This door
This leech
The only reminders
Of what you endured
No more vulnerability
No more pain

Don’t worry my dear
Do not regret
What you have given to me
For your safety
Such a small sacrifice
For a twinkle of control
And assurance
In this wildly dangerous
Life

-(••)-

Relationship
Is not always
A yes

Yes is a bubble
A froth
And without No
To hold it down
You and I will both
Drown
In this sea of Yes

No is structure
No is form
And yet
Without the breeze
Of a Yes
We will suffocate
In the cage of no

Will you dance this dance
Of relationship with me?
Leaping, falling, tripping, catching
Laughing, crying
Through it all
But not still
Never still

I cannot guarantee
You will always like me
But I promise to be
Fully here
Heart wide open
Essence percolating

And I cannot say
I will always like you
Never judge
What you say and do
But I will accept you
And let you in
Promise to look
At what you stir up
Within
Me

Life is uncertain
Sweet as nectar
And terribly unkind
We cannot control it
We are washed by the sea
But we can promise
To stick together
To invest
In you and me

((-|-•

Please
Please
Please
Do not escape from me
Don’t leave me here
Alone
While I wallow in my own
Misery
Rattle the bars of this cage
That used to be a castle

Yes, I know I sometimes spit
Poison from my tongue
I know I sometimes kick
Sand into your eyes

But I see you
The beauty radiating from deep inside
And you see me
And love these wounds I try to hide

I may push you away
But I pray
That you stay
For this resistance
This fear
Is evidence
If the deep love
We hold here
The deep connection
Vulnerability
Evidence of just how much
You mean to me

And though I wish I was an island
With no dependence, no needs
The truth is I am human
Thirsty for connection
Understanding
Love

Cracks form in my hardened heart
The seed
Of need
Sprouts
Under the constant nourishment
Of your sun

Though I want to run
Away from this feeling
Exploding the container
That holds my small self
I will never try to escape you
No matter what
You say
Or do

-/🍁\-
The forest floor
Smells of mushrooms
Gathering energy
Drinking in the rain
Waiting patiently
Under the swollen soil
To be reborn

The trees above me
Weep
In gratitude
For this rain
That keeps their roots
Moist
Full
This rain
That carries nutrients
And life
Deep below

The air hangs heavy
Lazy
In a great relief
Slowly swirling around me
Caressing my neck
My ear
My cheek
Carrying the sweet smell
Of earth
Of tree
Of the life
This Fall promises to bring

How I can I love you?
How can I trust you
To love me?
When I am hurting
And possessed by demons
That make me monstrous
When provoked?

I have seen them take you over
When invoked
By some stray word
Bubbled up from my throat

I have seen the demons
That have hold on you
I feel these demons
Holding on to me too.

How can we love one another
Covered up and costumed
By demons
Screaming
Abuse?

And how can we not?
How can I leave you
To those demons who feed
On your
Small, tender heart?
How can I stand by while
They pull you under
And tear you apart?

How can I blame you
For your parasites
When they are so wise
When they elude detection
By your own mind?

But how can I trust you
To be there
When I open
And soften?
How can I know
That YOU will meet me
Rather than sending
Your demons to feed?

Do I let them eat me
To protect you?
Let them take me home
As so many have before
To the dark and fertile world
On the unseen distant shore
A coin for silent passage
The wide and night dark water
My King the god of Darkness
My Queen The spring torn Bride

I have surrendered many times

Can I again lay down to die?
Gather you into mine
Hold your heart
Hear your demons snarl
Bear the writhe and flail

Beg Her perfect Love
A total golden seal
Around the wounded one
This child begging love,
And eyes to see his goodness
And hands to gently touch.

-/~\-
Under a whisper
A nuzzle
A kiss
My knife slips
Into your chest
So sharp
Cut so clean
You never notice
It puncture your spleen

We lock eyes
Open
Clear
Full
Of love
Of pain
Of understanding
Why we must meet here
Again and again

Why this knife
Double sided
Must cut into me
As it cuts into you

Blood on the floor
Slow
Silent
Seep

Hearts open
Letting this wound
Touch in deep

Acceptance
Acknowledgement
Of the laws
Of relationship
Of the laws
Of human frailness

What happens now?
Healing
Death
Or a new depth
Of understanding
Of accepting
Of opening
Of facing this journey
Together
Matching scars
Tracing the tails
Of the same shooting star

In love there is pain
In pain there is love
Suffering is given
The only question that remains
Is if we will show up
Here
To be pierced and healed and held
Over and over
Again

Sept 1, 2019
-~🌙~-

I want to rip the moon from the sky
Claw
Tear
Shred
Her to pieces

This beautiful, loving being
Watching over me
Day and night
Since my first breath
In this world

I want to crouch over her remains
Howl
At the empty sky
Shed tears of release
Of agony
Shed tears
That flow
And swell
Into a river
Of loneliness
Sorrow
The listless freedom
Of a lost soul

I want to make a pillow
From her rubble
Still glowing
Still reflecting
The sun’s light to me

Nestle my nose
Into one tucked paw
Ears relax
Even in this crumbled state
Her presence here keeps me safe

Spend a fitful night
Where dreams come and go
Weaving a web
That threatens to suffocate me
To set me free
To reflect
My wild self
Back to me
Too much
Too big
Too intense
Too small
Too twisted
Too afraid

And in the morning
I will lift my head
Stretch
Yawn
Cradle the crushed, crumbled
Mess of a moon
Take one small sparkling stone
With me
As I trot off
In search of food